A Recap Of The GOP Debate In New Hampshire

I watched the Republican debate that took place in New Hampshire last night, mainly because it was either that or watching the Cubs, and at this point listening to Michele Bachmann is less painful. Plus, Ron Paul's running and he's always entertaining at these debates (KILL THE FED! KILL THE FED!). So I figured I'd give you a little recap of what happened by providing some of the transcript from the last night's debate in case you missed it.

John King: Welcome to CNN's Republican presidential debate. I want to start out by giving each candidate half a second to introduce themselves because we only have two whole hours to do this thing and we need to solve every single problem that's ever existed. Rick Santorum, let's start with you.

Rick Santorum: Ihavesevenkids!

John King: Michele Bachmann, your turn. Please be a bit quicker than Mr. Santorum.

Michele Bachmann: Ihavefivekidsandtwentythreefosterchildren!

John King: Newt Gingrich, you're next.

Newt Gingrich: Iwasspeakerofthefreakinghouseandhavekidstoo!

John King: Mr. Mormon, go ahead.

Mitt Romney: Ihavefivekids!

John King: Ok, I get it. You Republicans really like sex. It may not always be with your spouses but...

Newt Gingrich: *cough*

John King: All right, let's move on to the first question, which'll be about the Federal Reserve. Just kidding, Ron Paul! How do you all feel about the economy and President Obama's policies?

Hermain Cain: I owned a pizza business, which makes me totally qualified to answer this question. I'm sure the U.S. works the exact same way. Right now, we're like a cheese pizza that needs some pepperoni and sausage—No, Mr. Weiner, that not what I meant—so we need to find a way to put some toppings on this pizza we call America.

John King: I need a drink.

Mitt Romney: We killed Osama again?

Ron Paul: WE NEED TO GET RID OF THE FEDERAL RESERVE! WE NEED TO END THE FE—

John King: Thank goodness those tranquilizer darts work so fast. Tim Pawlenty, your thoughts on health care?

Tim Pawlenty: I just want say that Mitt Romney may be the greatest person who ever lived. I'm not even kidding. By the way, who was the idiot that came up with the term "Obamneycare"?

John King: I think I'll speed up the healthcare and immigrant portion of our debate by asking anyone if they DON'T believe that it's ok to kill poor people and illegal immigrants by refusing them medical coverage, if they need it, on the basis that only rich people should be allowed to live. Anyone?

*Crickets*

John King: Ok then. Onto the abortion debate. Does everyone here believe in the sanctity of life, that all life, except after they're born and end up poor, should be protected?

Ron Paul: Makes sense to me.

Mitt Romney: I completely agree.

Tim Pawlenty: Flawless logic.

Rick Santorum: I can't find anything wrong or contradictory with what you just said.

John King: All right, let's take a quick break and then we'll be back to the debate.

Michele Bachmann: I'd like to take this time to announce that I have filed the necessary paperwork and am formally running to lose the Republican nomination to Mitt Romney.

Tim Pawlenty: I have too!

John King: Ok, moving on. Let's talk about separation of church and state. Congressman Paul?

Ron Paul: I've never heard such a thing before in my life.

John King: Have you read the Constitution, sir?

Ron Paul: Next question.

John King: Mr. Gingrich, same ques—and I see you've fallen asleep.

Herman Cain: There is about as much separation between church and state as there is between the cheese and the bread. None.

John King: Let's talk about Muslims. Is there a single candidate here that would include a Muslim in their administration?

Tim Pawlenty: Nope.

Newt Gingrich: Not a chance.

Michele Bachmann: No.

Rick Santorum: Yes. Sike! Absolutely not.

Mitt Romney: You're kidding, right?

Herman Cain: Ha! No way.

Ron Paul: Of course. Not.

John King: Excellent! Great to see the Republican Party be the party of tolerance. Now, let's turn to gay marriage.

Newt Gingrich: I have to agree with Mitt Romney on this. Marriage is between a man and a women. Then another woman. Then another. Then anoth—I mean, never mind.

John King: Last question. Who would you pick to be vice president: Joe Biden or Sarah Palin?

Tim Pawlenty: *long pause* You gotta be kidd—I mean Sarah Palin. Totally. She's absolutely qualified, without question. And by that, I mean please don't ask a question about her qualifications.

John King: Well, I think we've reached the end of this debate.

Mitt Romney: Wait! Have I mentioned that I'm not Sarah Palin? And that I'm handsome? And never, ever had a healthcare plan that was in any way similar to Obamacare? You guys all know I'm the frontrunner, right? Right?! Did I mention that the Book of Mormon won 50 Tonys the other night?


Until next time, Orange Hat Guy