Vampires Don't Sparkle

(Note: I've used some strong language in this post, so it's possibly NSFW. Carry on, if you can.)

I am not proud to say this, but I have watched the first three Twilight movies. Why would I subject myself to this heinous torture? Frankly, I'm not sure I made the right decision to watch them in the first place. But you can't call something completely and utter shit without actually knowing what you're talking about (and now that I've seen the first three movies, I'm justified in calling Twilight complete and utter shit). You see, here's the thing: Vampires don't sparkle. Period. Once I heard that Twilight vampires sparkle in sunshine (instead of BURSTING INTO FLAMES AND DYING A HORRIBLE DEATH), I knew that the works of Stephanie Meyer were going to be amazing.

Call me strange, but the concept that a 100-year-old vampire feels so alone (with his supportive, large family) and emotionally crippled (because he gets to live forever, and that totally sucks) that he needed the love and affection of some random high school chick is a LITTLE pathetic. But only a little* (*A WHOLE FUCKING LOT).

So to save you from suffering the misery that I went through, here's the plot (and I use that term loosely) for the third movie, which I watched last week:

Bella wants to marry Edward. Because getting married when you're 18 is such a great idea.

Edward wants to wait until after they graduate, but I think Bella was being all whiny for some reason.

Jacob shows up. Shirt status: on. Also, when Edward and Jacob get all pouty, Bella utters this fantastic line: "I'm, like, Switzerland, ok?!" Brilliant. Oscar-worthy.

There's random shit happening as vampires are eating people. Meanwhile, Bella's dad goes through the movie with the same confused expression on his face, probably a result of the actor wondering "Why the hell did I agree do do this shit?"

At one point Edward and Bella go to Florida. Because fuck you, that's why. Still no discernible plot.

There's a graduation. Anna Kendrick gives a speech where the message to graduates is "I dunno what the hell I'm gonna do, or if I'm gonna be successful in life, and that's ok!"

Something something something random vampires still eating people.

Did you know werewolves never wear shirts? Jacob shirt status: off.

People running through forests really, really fast!

Vampires and werewolves don't get along because something that happened 100 YEARS AGO is still a sore subject, and neither is enlightened enough to bury the hatchet. Suspenseful.

Because Edward loves Bella so much and wants to protect her from those random vampires who aren't targeting anyone in particular, Edward decides to abandon her to his most hated enemies, the werewolves.

Somewhere around this point Ron Howard's daughter shows up. The red hair is a welcome relief from the dull green and gray of the rest of the movie.

People running through forests really, really fast! Again!

Jacob tries to show Bella he's the better man for her by admitting he wants to cockblock Edward and then sexually assaults her (ok, he tried to kiss her, but I like the Rifftrax description better).

There's still no rising action. And we're already more than halfway through this damn movie.

Oh, look. Dakota Fanning. Isn't she above this kind of garbage? Oh, she's a Voltouri (or however the hell it's spelled)? Ok then, what the fuck does that mean?

NOW a plot develops: Ron Howard's daughter is raising a vampire army to kill Bella because Bella DIDN'T kill her vampire boyfriend. Revenge: These vampires don't do it very well.

So Edward's family once again allies itself with its hated enemies in order to protect Bella.

This is the perfect opportunity for Bella to tell Edward and Jacob that she loves both of them. And they both love her, and since this was written by a Mormon, problem solved, right? Nope. Polygamy is only ok when it allows old guys to marry a bunch of 13-year-olds.

This also another perfect opportunity to show Wolf-boy sans shirt. Even though he's in the middle of a blizzard. Because blizzards happen in May.

People running through forests really, really fast! For a third time!

This vampire army, which is supposed to be super strong and a verifiable threat to Bella's life, is wiped out in about five minutes. And did you know that vampires are just giant glass China dolls, and punching them in the face will cause their heads to shatter into pieces?

Ron Howard's daughter and some random vampire fight Edward and Jacob for about two minutes. During this fight, Bella tries to save Edward by cutting herself and having her blood lure Ron Howard's daughter's attention away from Edward. Sadly, Bella doesn't bleed out. Ron Howard's daughter and the other vampire lose.

Guess what? The movie's still not over! Jacob's terribly injured, and Edward, being a supportive boyfriend, totally doesn't give a shit.

There's one more scene, I think, where Bella and Edward are lying together in a field. I think they were discussing their upcoming wedding, but I can't be sure. I was too busy puking after being fed shit for two straight hours to pay attention to it.

Thus endeth the movie. Thank fucking god. And I'm serious, that's the actual movie. It was awful, even with the Rifftrax. And not even in the it's-so-awful-it's-funny kind of way. The acting was horrendous, and that leads me to believe that the actors think Twilight is a piece of shit as well, and they're purposely phoning it in because they have nothing to work with and don't care about putting any effort into their acting. They probably can't wait to finish the stupid series and work on actual movies. As for the first two movies, I've already begun to repress my memories of them, so I won't be recapping them. I know you're all incredibly disappointed.

Until next time, Orange Hat Guy