How "Prometheus" Failed

After I saw Prometheus, I purposefully didn't write a review on here for two reasons. First, I only saw it after it had been out in theaters for several weeks, and I prefer to post reviews while the movies are still relatively new. Second, it was just a crappy movie. To sum it up in one sentence, I felt like I had just watched six different movies and maybe two of them weren't terrible. There were so many issues with the script that any review I might write would end up being a long, ranting piece about how I thought the movie sucked.

Which means this post is going to be a long, ranting piece about how I thought "Prometheus" sucked.

(WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD)

1. Character (un)development

There were only two characters in the movie that I liked: Michael Fassbender and Stringer Bell (sorry, make that Idris Elba). Fassbender's just a wonderful actor, and it was fun to see Stringer from The Wire in a scifi movie. There were also a bunch of other characters as well, none of whom I cared about. In no particular order, there was Lead Female Protagonist, Guy You Thought Was Lead Male Protagonist, Charlize Theron In A Skintight Jumpsuit, Some Asian Guy, Some Asian Guy's Friend, 40-Something Scientist Lady, Guy With Beard, and Other Guy Who May Have Had A Beard. I may be leaving someone out. Oh well, they clearly weren't important to the plot at all.

Lead Female Protagonist (LFP) is someone we as the audience are supposed to root for. Supposed to. Usually this is done by making the character relatable to us, pitiable, or just straight awesome. LFP was maybe number two, pitiable, but not through any clever means. Her traits were that of the "idealistic scientist who's too noble for cynicism or to think that people might want to misuse science and technology for malicious purposes" trope. In one word: naive. And naivety does not endear me to a character, mostly because I like characters who are, you know, smart.

Then there's Guy You Thought Was Lead Male Protagonist (LMP). I label him that partially because he's also extremely one-dimensional, and also because he's killed halfway through the movie. He has some sort of romantic thing with LFP, but this is never made clear how serious it is (unless I somehow missed that; be explicit, screenwriters). The two of them clearly do have a thing, but I don't know if it's long-term, or if it's because they're horny in space and their options are limited. Point is, the move tries to cash in emotionally on this relationship when LMP dies because we're supposed to sympathize with LFP even more.

I'd love to explain what Charlize Theron's character's role was, but I just plain don't know (aside from the obvious looking-good-in-skintight-clothing). She's like the captain or something, the person in charge of the mission. Everyone is supposed to do what she says even though we have no real reason to respect her authority. But she drinks vodka straight, so watch out for her badassery! In the first Alien movie, the captain of the Nostromo seemed like a sensible, decent guy. He was level-headed, brave, and cared more about his crew than the mission. Theron just yelled at people to do things she didn't want to do herself and didn't show a whole lot of that putting-the-crew-first thing.

2. People Doing Stupid Things Over And Over Again

Remember when I wrote that I like intelligent characters? This movie didn't have any, except for Fassbender and that was because Fassbender's an android (or maybe a REPLICANT???) who follows his programming. Everyone else did stupid things over and over and over and over and over until they finally got themselves killed and I cruelly laughed at their demise.

Some of the more egregious decisions: LFP is impregnated without her knowledge by Fassbender and after she goes and has a really crazy abortion surgery scene, SHE WALKS RIGHT BACK TO FASSBENDER AND IS LIKE "HEY Y'ALL, WHAT'S HAPPENING?" As someone who can't get pregnant, I can't predict how I'd react in this situation, but I'm reasonably sure that I WOULDN'T DO THAT. Am I in the neighborhood on this one, ladies?

Another stupid decision happens with the two bearded dudes. They get lost on the alien ship (of course they do, even though THEY HAVE A MAP) and when they think there's something alive that's after them, they head back to the room that's FILLED WITH DEAD BODIES. Logic must have gone extinct right before the 22nd century. Beard One and Beard Two (alternatively Scottish Beard and Glasses Beard), are both then killed by the creatures in the room.

And finally, the climax sucked. The reveal that the really old guy was on the ship the whole time (THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!) was bizarre. Part of that six-movies-in-one thing I stated earlier. And why was he there? To ask the aliens "Hey, I know you seem like you're planning on sending of these ships filled with biological weapons to Earth to wipe out our species, so do you mind giving me eternal life, which I'm presuming you have because I'm old and don't want to die and that's all that motivates me?"

As if the moment when the alien went apeshit and murdered the old guy and six others wasn't enough of a warning (along the plan to DROP BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS ON EARTH TO ERADICATE US), the movie ends with LFP deciding to visit the alien's homeworld to convince them not to kill us. I'm sure that's going to work. Absolutely positive. In no way do I believe these guys will murder the everlasting shit out of you the second you try to speak to them. Nope. Totally not gonna happy. You keep on being that naive, idealistic scientist who, by the way, decided to travel to the aliens' planet WITH THE GUY WHO IMPREGNATED HER WITH AN ALIEN AND ALSO WAS DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR LMP'S DEATH.

Seems reasonable to me.