Happy Holidays You Bastards

*Guitar solo from Stairway To Heaven*

Well it’s that time of year again, the time of year when you’re getting a bunch of Christmas cards from people you probably haven’t seen in years. Most of the cards probably have pictures of the people doing something they think is really impressive. Like rock climbing or standing in front of some famous monument. Or a picture from their trip to Europe. You ever notice that?

There’s probably a letter too, detailing everything they’ve done for the past year. It’s also probably written in third person. Like this one. Don’t you thing that’s a little pretentious? These people have done things they think are so impressive that they think telling it first person drags down the accomplishment. Well I got news for you, Jane Eyre was written in first person and it’s supposed to be a really good book. It actually sucks, but that’s not the point.

Anyway, they probably begin with some quote they think is profound at the top of the letter. HEY, JIMMY PAGE IS A GOD! DON’T YOU CRITICIZE ME! Then they begin by telling you that another year has gone by and their family has accomplished a lot. That usually takes a paragraph or two. People can be so predictable.

Then they begin to list individual “achievements.” As you read on, you begin to realize the traditional Christmas letter is nothing more than a giant way to show off. It’s usually parents bragging about their kids, right? That’s right, Christmas letters are nothing more than giant pissing contests between families. And every family is trying stand out the most.

“Timmy has started kindergarten!” “Johnny has started playing piano!” “Jane won an award for playing violin!” “Linda started college!” Great, just great. That’s exactly what I wanted to know people I probably haven’t met and never will. And have you noticed it’s always about school or musical instruments?

Following this, they usually end with some lame attempt at a conclusion, probably hoping to persuade you not to just throw away the letter you get next year without even opening it. Don’t expect to find one here. I won’t get suckered into it.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention some things. John has continued to kick ass at his job. What is his job? Well if you don’t remember what is from previous letters, you probably don’t care. What’s one impressive thing he’s done? Either mastering Facebook or facilitating the move from a townhouse to an apartment seamlessly, take your pick. (Oh yeah, I just snuck two accomplishments in there! Booyah!)

Maggie’s interests include bungee jumping, extreme underwater basket weaving, fighting the Libyan terrorists from Back to the Future and punching Great White Sharks on the nose. She’s also watched a bunch of movies that you’ll just skip over if they’re listed. What’s one impressive thing she’s done? Admit she likes the film Leap Year. Check out the trailer on Youtube. Seriously. You can guess the entire plot from a 30 second preview. It takes courage to admit you like those kinds of movies.

And Matt? Well he’s a sophomore in college at Indiana University. He plays a little bit of guitar and wait a minute! I see what’s going on here! This guy’s doing exactly what he complained about! What a hypocrite! But in all seriousness, ain’t he a great comedy writer?